Friends, love cannot be calculated or planned. Love happens spontaneously, and it can happen with anyone. It is not confined to the bond between lovers; love can blossom between a mother and child, a father and child, or even with others. Yet, the love we often recognize is limited to the relationship between a romantic couple. When love within a relationship is not genuine, even the remnants of affection gradually fade away. Other issues then begin to surface, pulling the relationship further into despair. Today, we wish to reflect upon some of these factors.
The Role of Anger in Relationships
Many times, relationships falter due to unnecessary anger. Have you ever pondered why you feel angry? Likely not. Most of us believe that our anger is a response to the mistakes or actions of others. Do you truly have control over your body, mind, or anger? In 90% of cases, when anger arises, you do not feel regret because you justify it as caused by someone else. In only 10% of cases, you may feel remorse, believing your anger was uncalled for. Even within these instances, 7–8% of the time, your apologies are superficial—externally offered but internally still blaming the other party. It is only in 2–3% of cases that you truly hold yourself or your anger accountable.
Yet, this truth is hard to accept. Even if you disagree, try an experiment: control your anger over the next few days. Before sleeping, reflect on situations where you withheld your anger. Who do you hold responsible for the events? You will often find yourself blaming others, even when you managed to restrain your anger.
Exploring the Causes of Anger
Let us delve deeper into the root causes of anger. You may think anger arises solely from another person’s wrongdoing. This belief is mistaken. Anger never stems from a single incident. It is the culmination of many underlying thoughts, often beyond your control, that merge to ignite your anger. Consider a small incident: you may have observed people quarreling over a trivial issue on the street. Watching them, you might have thought, Why are they fighting over something so insignificant? You likely dismissed them as irrational and moved on.
However, the spark of their anger likely came from a deeper place. Perhaps one of them was grappling with unresolved mental distress. Maybe moments earlier, they endured harsh words from someone else. Perhaps they had a dispute with their spouse, or financial struggles were weighing heavily on them. The actual reasons for their anger lay buried, but this small incident provided a safe outlet for their frustration.
Now, try applying this to your own life. If you find yourself snapping at your spouse, children, or colleagues, pause afterward to examine the trigger. Often, you will discover that the incident was too trivial to warrant such a reaction. It may be something they have done many times before, but this time, your accumulated stress found an outlet. In 50–60% of cases, this will likely hold true.
The Illusion of Apologies
After a fit of anger, many people apologize, acknowledging they overreacted. However, deep within, they remain convinced their actions were justified. Apologies in such cases become mere formalities, a means to preserve relationships while internally fostering guilt and resentment. Yet, repeated apologies do not heal; they only deepen the cracks in relationships. Gradually, relationships that survive under such pretenses become hollow and devoid of meaning.
Patanjali’s Insights on Mental Dispositions
The ancient sage Patanjali, in his Yoga Sutras, addressed this tendency in his ninth sutra. He described individuals who, upon hearing a single word, hastily draw conclusions without understanding the full context. Such a mental disposition prevents them from fully grasping what is said, leading to flawed assumptions. This is a form of mental disorder. Similarly, anger arises when one either fails to listen completely or prematurely reaches conclusions. In contrast, a person of restraint patiently delves into the depth of a situation, reflecting and contemplating before responding. Such individuals seldom experience anger.
Understand this clearly: anger cannot resolve any problem. Neither can it be suppressed, for suppression only amplifies its intensity, making it more destructive. Only through the practice of restraint, contemplation, and reflection can anger be effectively managed.
Strengthening Love and Relationships
Friends, by now you must have realized how anger needlessly corrodes love and relationships. Cultivate the habits of restraint and reflection, for they not only help control anger but also fortify the bonds of love and relationship. Through self-awareness and mindful contemplation, harmony can be restored, allowing love to thrive unburdened by anger.
